Commentaries

DOG LOVER EXTRAORDINAIRE

posted June 25, 2015 UPDATED FOURS LATER

      By John Dorschner

      This is Ashley Miller, 18, pretty close to Public Enemy No. 1 in Bradenton, FL.
      She's charged with the misdemeanor of having sex with a dog, according to the Bradenton Herald, which perhaps out of sensitivity to the victim, withheld the name of the dog. Now we know -- it was a pitbull (!?) named 2-face, according to The Smoking Gun.

       I must say this story fascinates me.
       1 -- How did anyone find out? Answer: She took a bunch of selfies, apparently of the 40 plus times that the dog performed oral sex on her.
       2 -- Again: How did anyone find out? Well, we live in the age of social media, and so she must have ... shared. But mysteriously the cops found the selfies on the phone. This happened at her grandmother's house, where she lives.
      In her defense, she says the dog was not harmed. And (my guess) maybe she even gave the dog a treat afterwards.
     More questions:
     1 -- Isn't this a private matter between consenting adults?
My spouse: Well, pets can't consent. Although in this case, since it didn't involve penetration, perhaps the dog was just showing an eager tongue. Also, there's no indication of the dog's age. Actually, some of the 40 incidents happened before she was 18, so the pit bull may be in deep trouble.
     2 -- Don't the Bradenton police have anything better to do? Well, when's the last time you heard of a crime wave in Bradenton?
       3 -- Was this a male or female dog? Does this violate Christian family values? Oh... let's not go there. Oh, my goodness, it was a FEMALE!
     The Miami-Dade County Commission is on top of this, as it were. The Herald's Doug Hanks reports it's adding 300 words to its beastiality ordinance to get into the nitty-gritty of exactly what's not allowed -- and complying with the state standard.  Among other things: Unless you're a vet or a dog show judge, you better not touch a dog's private parts. Let's see how libertarians weigh in on this. Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, this is your moment -- but I'll bet they don't seize it and instead keep talking about how to spend more billions on fighting terrorism in Syria, Iraq, Yemen and so on.
    Oh, I better stop now. 
    No, one more: Perhaps as the dog was working on her, Ashley was singing that old Bob Dylan lyric: "If my thought-dreams could be seen, they'd probably put my head in a guillotine."
    Oh, and yet another: With all these stories about the stupid doings of Florida Man, it certainly helps level the playing field to see a Florida Woman story. 
     UPDATE: She was re-arrested because she was ordered by the cops to have no further contact with animals. She went to the animal shelter to pick up 2-face and a cat, because they had been examined for physical harm. There was none. She took the animals back to her grandmother's house. ("I had nowhere else to go.") And she was re-arrested for violating the order to stay away from animals.
      SECOND UPDATE: The more I think about this, the more I am dismayed by government's messing with a young person. She is obviously lonely and not adept socially (with humans), and these arrests have bounced around the internet and the world (the New York Daily News ran a story), causing no doubt intense humiliation to her. And for what end?